Praxis Speaks

How do you manage conflict?  Do you compromise, avoid, or compete?  For most of us, that’s a difficult question because we really don’t stop to think about it that often.  When we do, it’s usually because we’ve just gotten out of a therapist’s office or we’ve had the ultimate blowout with our spouse or partner.  But it’s practical and beneficial to understand your conflict style in a manner that will not only preserve your current relationships better, but also allow you to see how and why certain patterns emerge within those relationships.  There are many personality inventories available for public use that will give you insight into how you handle conflict, but one that is very easy to administer and score is available at www.webhome.idirect.com/~kehamilt/ipsyconstyle.html.  It is important to understand that there are no “good or bad” ways of dealing with conflict.  Each has its merits depending on the situation.  Let’s look at the five categories in more depth to see what they mean and how they may affect the outcome of a mediation or ADR session:

Competing–Also known as contending, this style means that you are more likely to impose your solution on the other party.  People who compete are not necessarily interested in finding a win/win outcome. 

Collaborating–Also known as problem solving, this method is most likely to yield a win/win outcome if the other side adopts this stance as well.  This simply means that each side is willing to give a litte in order to find a mutualy satisfactory solution.  This is most beneficial for parties who will need to carry on a relationship at some level in the future.

Avoiding–People who avoid are most likely to “bury their heads in the sand” and hope the conflict merely goes away.  Because of this, you may find it difficult to get someone who adopts this style to actively engage during a mediation or ADR session.

Accomodating–When someone chooses to accomodate or “yield” they are essentially lowering their expectations and/or goals within the context of the conflict.  This may likely occur because of frustration, passivity, or simply a strong desire to get through the conflict.  The difference between accommodating and collaborating is the fact that this style is one sided whereas in a traditional collaboration both parties tend to lower their expectations to some degree in order to resolve the conflict. 

Compromising–This style of handling conflict is very similar to collaboration in that certain concessions are likely to be made for the sake of resolving the conflict.  The main difference here is the fact that in order for someone “give up” something, they require the addition of something in order to balance the scales.  In a compromise the individual seeks a position where losses are offset equally by gains.

As mentioned, there are no “right or wrong” ways of dealing with conflict.  Keep in mind however, that each style is likely to ellicit a specific response from the other party in conflict.  In terms of finding a win/win solution, compromising and collaborating tend to work the best.  Plus it has the added benefit of maximizing the chance that the relationship will have some level of sustainability in the future.  This is especially important in divorce cases where children are involved.  Always enter a mediation or ADR session by asking yourself what your ultimate goal is and whether you’re going for the right reasons.  Ultimately, mediation is about finding win/win outcomes unlike litigation where an adversarial environment is not uncommon.–Brooks Barton