Praxis Speaks

            I take a lot of pride in the fact that I’m a very forgiving person. To me, this is not a weakness, as it is sometimes seen in our society, but a strength. Forgiving doesn’t mean condoning the act. The members of your family of origin can have a lot of their own issues that they bring to the structure, and this can make for a very contentious environment growing up (and on). But if you don’t deal with the issues from your family of origin in particular, that baggage stays with you throughout your entire life. The pain from the hurt that your parents and family of origin might inflict on you can stay with you, even when you think you’ve dealt with it.

Wilmot says that “understanding a person’s goals, reaffirming the value of the relationship, granting another person a face-saving opportunity, or participating in a fair and open process sometimes bears no fruit.”

Sometimes you can’t agree on the nature of the violation, and that’s okay—especially if you know that it won’t happen again. The dynamics change once there’s a balance of power, such as when a child grows up and a parent may not have the same amount of power in the relationship. Pruitt says that steps with reconciliation begin with facts about the past. I believe this is true, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that you can share those facts with the other party. It might destroy the other party if you held the mirror up and they weren’t ready to look into it.

Many years ago, I began to understand that forgiveness is one of the most important skills I could develop. Also, my spiritual views of the world include a strong belief that everyone is on his or her own path, and that every experience that we have is leading us toward soul growth. I began to see my childhood and other time periods in my life as experiences that made me who I am. If you have a very high self-esteem, you feel more comfortable in your own skin, and therefore more comfortable in accepting other people in their own skin. You can’t change other people, but you can change the way you react to them. This may sound cliche and trite, but there is some wisdom in that old saying. Changing your reaction can help you move beyond feeling like a victim, and more like a person who is in control. Sometimes you need to forgive, selfishly, for your own piece of mind.

            Sometimes it helps to write down your feelings in a journal as a method of really clarifying your thoughts. You can also write the other party a letter that you know you’ll never mail. This can be cathartic and allow you to analyze the issues. This can help you move beyond the injured innocence, a desire for revenge or punishment, obsession, and into the transcendence stage. This doesn’t mean that issues will never surface about that situation or other party again, but it can give you the tools and objectivity to analyze, understand, and confirm your feelings about forgiveness and how to apply them to your life.

            There’s a popular saying to “forgive and forget.” I think it’s healthier to forgive and not to forget. This doesn’t mean to obsess or not to move on. This means you are in a strong enough place and there’s a balance of power that will not allow the other party to injure you in the same way, but by embracing the lessons learned from that situation, you have become a stronger and more complete person. According to Wilmot, joining forgiveness and forgetfulness minimizes the experience of one who has trusted deeply and been betrayed.

The process of forgiveness can lead you on a tremendous journey of self-discovery. It can help you develop a philosophy about the world and your place in it. It can give you a sense of empathy and understanding and compassion for other human beings, and to realize that we’re all on our own paths but are heading in the same direction. Forgiveness possesses an intangible power that is not fully comprehensible in a rational way. –DR

Blame is, for the most part, a waste of time and energy.  While we sit around blaming others for our current predicament, we could be figuring out a solution.  I work from my home, so unfortunately I have constant exposure to the news, and I must admit, I’ve become somewhat of a news junkie as of late. 

As I write this, we are in the midst of a great financial crisis, not only in the United States, but on a global scale.  Housing prices have tumbled, unemployment has increased, job creation is on a steady decline each month, and the stock market has taken a beating which is negatively affecting investments.  This is especially disturbing for older Americans who may see their retirement savings get hit substantially.  Likely, the situation will get worse before it gets better.  Economists and politicians alike are referring to this as the greatest financial crisis since the Great Depression of 1929.  Clearly, things look bleak on the horizon.  One would think that now would be the time for cooperation and decisive action.   

With this being said, what is most disconcerting about this whole situation lies not in the dire predictions of financial experts, but rather the intensity with which partisan politics is being played out.  I must say here and now that this forum is not the place for political debates or propaganda.  I am not advocating or admonishing the philosophy of Republicans or Democrats, rather I am making an observation regarding the entrenchment of partisanship in general and specifically the mind’s predeliction, if not need, to find a scapegoat whenever a situation turns sour.  In fact, psychologists believe blame to be a unique hominid behavior.  Further evidence would suggest that it may be some inherent form of survival mechanism in human organizational systems.  Clearly, we seem to be preconditioned to place blame whenever circumstances are less than optimal.  Perhaps then, blame can never be completely avoided and maybe that’s perfectly OK.  After all, when the history books are written we need to have winners and losers.  People need to own up to their mistakes, and sometimes blame is the impetus for understanding who is at fault and for getting those people to admit to their mistakes.  Self accountability is a sign of growth and maturity, both individually and in societal terms.    

But what isn’t OK is when pragmatism and cooperation take a back seat to blame.  There’s a time and place for everything and blame should never precede resolution.  Over the last few days, each end of the political spectrum has been pointing fingers at the other side.  This is simply not conducive to finding a solution to the mess we are in as a country.  It has gotten so ridiculous that news commentators are actually calling for an end to all the bickering between sides so we can find a way of dealing with this mess.  To make matters worse, we’re just a few weeks away from electing a new President of the United States and this compounds the blame game ten fold.  Of course, the candidates want their constituencies to know they are doing ”the right thing” in order to garner more votes.  To an extent, we need to know who is doing the right thing so we can make the best informed decision about our votes.  On the other hand, there is a certain threshold that we long ago exceeded and now only serves as a constant reminder that progress seems secondary to castigation.  

If nothing else, this historical scene should serve as a reminder that in our personal lives we should always remember that if we want to resolve a conflict within our own microcosms, whether it’s a problem with a coworker, spouse, or next door neighbor, we must first and foremost be committed to putting our differences aside and attempt to see the situation from the perspective of the other person.  We must begin to look at conflict not as a chance to win an argument, but rather as a chance to learn about other points of view.  Of course, we must stand up for our ideologies, but first we have to understand the position on the other side of the table in order to ascertain if our position is convergent or divergent.  Often, our differences with another are merely semantical and we may find that even though we don’t describe the world in the same terms, we in fact have the same goals.  If we play the blame game, however, our view will be clouded with resentment and we will never make progress toward a mutually amiable solution.  In my experience, when conflict is approached in a constructive way, people are much more likely to admit to their mistakes because they don’t feel tension from the other side.  Think of a tug of war–the harder one side pulls, the harder the other side pulls back.  Sure, one side will eventually end up in the mud while the other stays clean, but why not try dropping the rope sometime and see what happens?  –BB

Welcome to Praxis Conflict Management Services’ blog site!  We hope this will be a useful resource for any professionals or individuals interested in the emerging field of Alternative Dispute Resolution.  Our main focus is on productive communication techniques that will yield greater understanding between individuals.  When mutual understanding is achieved, everyone benefits because win/win outcomes are more likely.  This translates to business, personal relationships, and community connectedness.  We offer this blog in the spirit of cooperation and a true commitment to reducing destructive conflict patterns.  For more information about PCMS’ philosophy, please visit our website at http://SC-ConflictManagement.com.